Early this morning, the bi-partisan negotiation team of Senator Phil Rudd (R-Iowa) and Representative Brian Johnson (D-Australia) successfully bargained with Breatharian leader Dr. David Jubb for the release of DJ Shadow. Rudd and Johnson agreed to trade a package of rolling papers in exchange for Shadow’s release. Jubb’s assistant Lawrence Fitzcarraldo says, “We will use these to smoke the ashes of the burning earth.” [whatever -ed] The Breatharians also released their annual financials shy of the July 31st deadline, continuing to shore up their reputation amongst other 501c3’s concerned with traveling at the speed of thought. They follow our laudatory photos of senate negotiating staffers (thank you again Phil and Brian!):
While attempting to search the Breatharian music collection for samples, DJ Shadow has been captured and detained by Breatharian forces led by the Assistant to Dr. David Jubb (as well as his make-up artist). According to Wiki Leaks, Breatharian forces are stronger than ever, and “are not to be fucked with lightly.” More as the story develops.
Cool lil Neu! article from KEXP who have also done a nice job supporting Glass Rock Tall Firs Meet Soft Location ranked best album of all time by Dr. David Jubb of the Breatharians.
Assistant to Dr. Jubb guards Breatharian music collection.
Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:
His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable
Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards
Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well
Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel’s unappealing in any amount less than a fifth
Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature
Enough musical ability to get very lucky
Increased probability of creating, developing, and headlining Ozzfest
Sharon Marker: Predisposed to shuffle about shouting “Sharon!” The fact that subject is married to a person of this name is a statistically improbable coincidence
ripped this from Vampire Blues, an interesting exchange about the state of the music ‘industry,’ be sure to check out the response as well from tunecore if you wanna be thorough and sh*t
