Monthly Archive for March, 2010

Exhuming Frankie Teardrop, Nightlife with Thin Lizzy

Published on March 25, 2010 in a night at the opera, don't blame the personaler, rollins and science and psychology. 1 Comment

NEW YORK TIMES VALIDATES AND POSSIBLY EXONERATES MATT AND RYNNN (<click here you illiterate)

Three out of five Glass Rock members are sleep disturbed. The worst of the bunch, perhaps betrayed in their uncannily smooth and instantaneous rhythym connection are Matt (bass, heavy metal) and Rynnn (drums, chatter). In his unwitting nocturnal life, Matt has enjoyed practicing ninjitsu, sexual role playing, and shouts that could rival those of Guantanamo Bay itself and Alan Vega himself. Rynnn’s slumber-time exploits pillow leg violence have been recounted to his horror at a dinner party, whereupon he realized he had no recollection of his night time adventures. This posed many questions for Glass Rock on how to handle 2009’s UK Tour and the dread continues. When their eyes are open are Matt and Rynnnn sleeping or awake? When they converse with you and degrade you, are they in real time or dreamland? The messed up thing is they don’t know and may even tell you they’re awake when they’re not! Despite crucial codeword “Walnuts” being established in order to wake up these drifters and grifters, the band still has major concerns about their upcoming stay in Detroit. And guess what? All of this is true!

“Being killed by a blow to my carotid artery is not my thing,” says guitarist Dave Mies. “Even if Rynnn is massaging my [large] feet at the time.”

We are currently taking suggestions at Glass Rock Life on how to deal with this. Dr. Jubb has not responded at all. Do we keep Matt and Rynnn up all night? Do they receive separate rooms [filled with cable television,wi-fi, mints, mini-bar] chained from the outside, similar to Aaron’s arrangements on tours with more high profile bands [sans cable, wi-fi, mints, mini-bar]? Please experts, charlatans, and concerned citizens write as soon as possible. Home remedies welcome.

Glass Rock Role Model Aaron Tours High Schools, Jubb Makes Principal Levitate

Published on March 24, 2010 in community, unruly mob and wasted. 0 Comments

Glass Rock Podium

Under the guidance of Bretharian Dr. David Jubb and with the encouragement of gala-event rocker pal Steve Tyler, Glass Rock’s Aaron Mullan has embarked on a series of dates to warn high school children about the perils of drug and alcohol abuse. At North Farmington High School in Farmington Hills, MI on Tuesday, the principal calmed a horny generation with no standards of decency as well as poor research methods by shouting into the microphone, “Mr. Mullan will not sign records until he has warned us about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. So be quiet. And no, Michael Rother is not here today.” The gymnasium floorboards creaked in eerie silence as Aaron dropped major science, discussing concepts such as decreased reaction time to external stimuli when using mind altering drugs, which he had to allow students a few extra minutes to comprehend. Then with a nod from Dr. Jubb, Aaron opened up the floor to Q & A. Here are some highlights -

Student1: I am a huge fan of Glass Rock. But my parents think I’m using drugs.

Aaron: Yeah I think you’re on the paranoia trip there, bro. That’s the downside of the doob. That’s why I stick to the hooch. With the cheeb you act like a weirdo but are convinced everyone thinks you’re an asshole. With the corn you act like an asshole but don’t realize it until the next day. Guilt is more my kind of vibe than paranoia. Personally, I don’t try to keep my mind sharp. I just try to not use it for mundane crap, like which drawer my socks are in or who I’m supposed to call or how to play guitar. Instead I’m into reading Herodotus cracking up at stuff like how the Egyptians are exactly the reverse of everyone else on the planet: Men carry burdens on their heads, women on their shoulders. Women pass water standing, men sitting. They ease their bowels indoors, and eat out of doors in the streets, explaining that things unseemly but necessary should be done alone in private, things not unseemly should be done openly.

Paranoia is not Aaron's Bag

Student2: I ate in the parking lot at lunch.

Aaron: There’s only one cause for depression, and only one cure, and they are the same. The “destroyer of delights, the separator of societies, he who makes orphans of sons and daughters.” Put that in your bong and rip it.

Following this question, handler Dr. Jubb shut down the assembly and magically signed over 3900 Glass Rock LPs on Aaron’s behalf with a flick of the wrist and made the prinicpal levitate. The assistant principal lovingly caught him before he fell to the gymnasium’s make shift stage. Interested in having a Glass Rock Role Model speak at your town’s high school? Please contact us at glassrocklife@gmail.com and check back for the rest of Aaron’s tour dates. Thank you!

Health Care Bill Spurns Glass Rock Recovery

Published on March 23, 2010 in Uncategorized and teenage lobotomy. 0 Comments Tags: illuminati.

After a nearly complete meltdown yesterday, Matt’s brain got some rest on the taxpayer’s dime (ahh, no pre-existing condition denial, our head is good forever) and on behalf of the administrator is now posting the entire Why Glass Rock Life Failed sessions with dignity and proudful solace.

: Eat This, Landowners

First up, we have the great Rynnn Sawyer’s responsible responses. Thanks Rynnn!

1) Why did Glass Rock Life fail? Lack of democracy.

2) How do you feel about Kathy leaving Glass Rock? Unless Jay-Z is actually “retired”, Kathy has not left. OOH ALSO, we failed because of our inability to hold out to the big business of Bretharians and allowing them to buy advertising on our site. We have sold out.

Now, we present Mr. Dave Mies, vying with Matt, Kathy, Aaron, and Rynnn for prettiest and bluntest member of Glass Rock, who still seems to be answering questions through some sort of Guns N Rose-ian worldview.

1) Why did Glass Rock Life fail? It just got too big. What starts out as an intimate exchange between sensitive, creative, sexy people just expands exponentially in the lite of day. Like overcooking rice, it just got bloated and soggy and stuck to the pan. We had to dry out and break apart. Maybe one day we’ll be separate enough to fly freely over some new lovers union.

2) How do you feel about Kathy leaving Glass Rock? It saddens me deeply, but I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later and maybe it’s for the best. Rock history is full of bright stars who simply overshadowed the more important talents of their backing bands. I mean, if it weren’t for the death of Janis Joplin, we might have missed all the great records Big Brother And The Holding Company made. Or maybe, if selfish front men like Tom Petty could just step aside for a minute, The Heartbreakers could finally realize their full potential. Just think of what might be possible without all that multi-platnum “song writing” loitering around. I guess what I’m saying is, that in some way she knew it was the right time..for everyone really.

“It just got too big.” But we’re going to keep the tape running. Cue that up Aaron. Now! Science and Psychology feature coming soon.

Dave and Rynnn contemplate rock.

Kathy Shows Off!

Published on March 22, 2010 in album. 0 Comments

Kathy, Aaron Doin’ It Well

Published on March 22, 2010 in fedora versus beret. 0 Comments

Wow.

Aaron plays Primavera With Michael Rother and Steve Shelley

Kathy has Opening of Rock and Roll Dreams Drawings, Paintings, Album Covers, Glass Rock and Soft Location listening stations (seriously), painting below will not be in the show, sorry

Prince Blasts Classic Rockers Out of the Room, Rynnnn Leaves Glass Rock

Published on March 21, 2010 in fedora versus beret and soft location. 0 Comments

Sunday Morning Performance

Please stick around until 3:32 and watch as tension starts as early as 3:49 when Petty attempts a return to the microphone.

Also, after [our] own tensions flared like 4th of July sparklers earlier today, Rynnn Sawyer has left Glass Rock. More as the story develops.

Kathy Leisen Toys With Glass Rock Public

Published on March 19, 2010 in collectibles and no new music. 1 Comment

Least essential poet since Drunk Jim Morrison moves on

1.) Why did Glass Rock Life fail? Too many pancakes.

2.) Will you return to Glass Rock? I’m thinking about it.

Glass Rock Opens Up, Aaron First

Published on March 19, 2010 in Friday photo, don't blame the personaler and no new music. 0 Comments

Oh Aaron!

1) Why did Glass Rock Life fail?

Too many Terms of Use violations. Those Craigslist people are fucking Nazis!

2) How do you feel about Kathy leaving Glass Rock?

I thought everything was going cool. Then Kathy said maybe she should be on the work wheel at our house when she stays here. I told her she was on permanent compost. She never stayed at our house again. The other day I sent her this picture of our gnarly, liquified compost, which I said was missing her. Next thing I know, you’re telling me Kathy has left the band.

Alex Chilton

Published on March 18, 2010 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Alex Chilton rest in peace

Glass Rock Life is a Failure

Published on March 18, 2010 in Uncategorized, allegory and quagmire. 0 Comments

After no one commented on the announcement of award winning essayist Kathy Leisen’s departure from Glass Rock, [administrator] has taken to the roof of [his] building with flutes of champagne, gender-neutral whores, and a boom box that plays nothing but Dirty South rap music. But could it have lasted? The historical precedents are clear.

Says [administrator], “When [I] inhale the champage and turn up the volume, [I] can’t smell the smoke. [I] see cars made of lemonade and a vast virtual network that brings a Glass Rock Life message to the people. [I] don’t believe in the afterlife so I’m good. Goodbye.”

Goodbye [administrator] indeed. [We] hardly knew [ye]. [We] will miss [you].

Fuck.

Glass Rock Fans Go Too Far?! Matt Issues Statement

Published on March 18, 2010 in new music, unruly mob and wasted. 1 Comment

As GnR fans kill time while waiting for Glass Rock II: Heating Up the Commercial Climate, there are suggestions that some afficionados are going too far.

To [fan name withheld], the follow statement has been issued by Matt Kantor, Bass - “I am deeply honored by you putting my visage on your skin for the rest of your life. But what if I fuck up, let you down, no longer have the look of an uncharacteristically serious, lean and mean labrador retriever? Ironically it’s that very pressure to not fuck up that will lead me to letting you down. I am weak. Here’s to sloth and jazz fusion.” -Matt

Despite what seems like a clear official statement, rumors circulate that Matt tattooed himself on himself to inspire himself to be the best self he could possibly be. When probed with questions about the rumor, he retorted, “Oh rest assured that tattoo would be in the palm of my hand so I could love myself even more than I already do. What I am saying is that I could give myself a virtual lip-____ing of myself whenever I wanted while simultaneously receiving a virtual lip-____ing of myself whenever I wanted. I have to go now.”

When will new Glass Rock music arrive? Madness must end. But until Kathy Leisen is replaced, it’s not going to happen. Keep sending resumes and coat tail sizes to glassrocklife@gmail.com.

Glass Rock Offers Vacation to Earth Certification

Published on March 16, 2010 in science and psychology and water. 0 Comments

As our friends from the Fifth Dimension have pointed out, Earth has indeed been “the” premier vacation spot in the galaxy since the Big Bang shook everything up, a stop over for celestial beings ranging from Kool Keith to your next door neighbor, from a misguided Fred “Sonic” Smith in a spacesuit to the people in 2B who [I] only know as “Santiago/Robles.” And why not?

Plus we have waterslides. So, given all there is to offer on this here Pale Blue Dot and how people might lie about being here, Glass Rock is now offering notarized letters from Science and Psychology Columnist Aaron Mullan stating “I took a vacation to Earth and all I got was this lousy notarized letter.” All it takes is a valid state ID, passport, driver’s license, or receipts from the Ohio or Jersey turnpike to prove you’ve indeed been to earth (and $300 plus notary fees). Excess skeeball tickets might also be considered (as payment, not proof of time spent on earth). Take that letter to the next plane and show all your friends. To quote one satsifed notarized letter holder, “Earth People, I was born on Jupiter, but you can bet I’ll be back for Mardi Gras, my annual jaunt to Yellowstone, floating in the Dead Sea, petting a yak, spitting back at a llama and of course a Glass Rock Dance Party and Glass Rock Concert. Now I have the papers to prove it.” CASH ONLY PLEASE, BROWN PAPER BAGS ACCEPTABLE

THIS IS WHY I NEED “SO MUCH MONEY”

Published on March 15, 2010 in Uncategorized. 1 Comment

Latest news from the Breatharian Institute of America site and founder Wiley Brooks:

“EARTH PRIME” OR ”THE NEW EARTH” IS LOCATED IN THE 5TH WORLD. THE WORLD WITHOUT THE VIBRATIONS OF PAIN AND FEAR. YOU FEEL ONLY INCREDIBLE LOVE, PEACE AND JOY. LOVE AND JOY YOU CAN ONLY DREAM ABOUT IN THE 3rd DIMENSIONAL WORLD YOU LIVE IN AT THIS TIME. My goal is to populate EARTH PRIME with as many people as possible before December 21, 2012. THIS IS WHY I NEED “SO MUCH MONEY”. This project will require billions of dollars in funding, WHICH SHOULD BE OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WHO CAN GET THEIR MINDS AROUND WHAT I AM PROPOSING.”

^{Question: If you are a true Breatharian why did you recommend a diet of diet coke and McDonald’s double-quarter-pounder with cheese meal?}

Wiley: In order to understand why I have chosen these foods you must first know how the human bodies descended into the 3rd dimensional world in first place. This is not our natural home. Being here as long as we have been was not intentional. We didn’t plan to stay here permanently. You could say it was purely by accident that we ended up getting stuck in this 3d world. The Earth, without a doubt, is the most beautiful planet in the Milky Way galaxy and that is why it was “the” vacation spot of the galaxy for millions of years. There was always a constant stream of visitors coming here from Worlds and Galaxies far and wide.

Empowered Ascension Workshop payment instructions.

Please wire the minimum deposit of $10,000.00 USD to my bank account.
Make payable to:
Wiley C. Brooks
Routing No. 122187238
Account No. 1097036700
Desert Schools Federal Credit Union
Phoenix, AZ 85062-2945
Bank information: 602-433-7010

I will contact you after the deposit has been successfully processed. THERE WILL BE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS METHOD OF PAYMENT.

Dr. David Jubb is a breatharian.

[Aquaman] Taken to Hospital with Hypothermia, Glass Rock Fans Form Vigil

Published on March 15, 2010 in unruly mob and we are all trapped in prisons of the mind. 0 Comments

[Unidentified Glass Rock Member] was checked into a lower Manhattan hospital this morning for hypothermia. He spit out a fish, some partially chewed leather workboots, and the comment, “Please, no more recovery groups with former heroin users who now tuck their shirts in.” Glass Rock’s now classic Tall Firs Meet Soft Location is rotating at his bedside around the clock with Hawkman there to flip it. Said one Glass Rock fan outside, “Good luck [Aquaman]. No one can ever play [unidentified instrument] in Glass Rock like you can. Not even Aaron, Dave, Kathy, or Rynnn.” More as the story develops from New York.

[Unidentified] Escapes Rehab

Published on March 15, 2010 in water and we are all trapped in prisons of the mind. 1 Comment

[Unidentified Glass Rock member] swam from label mandated rehab on Staten Island to lower Manhattan early this morning using traditional rotational breathing swimming methods, after having solved the riddle of [unidentified addiction]. The answer: sublimation. This may have disastrous consquences for Glass Rock’s next album. More as the story develops.

Radio, Update on Aaron

Published on March 14, 2010 in radio. 0 Comments

Sweet to be Charting in Spindale This Week, Ha

WDCE Richmond VA #6
WCCS Norton MA #13
KDVS Davis CA #17
WNCW Spindale NC #26

Also, Aaron Mullan who has previously collaborated with Kathy Lesien, Dave Mies, Matt Kantor, Rynnn Sawyer, and Aaron Mullan is now hanging with one half of Neu! Exhale Aaron–Glass Rock Life approves of this joyful endeavor. Also, an unknown Glass Rock member, upset with everyone else’s myriad musical options, is checking into rehab in order to get some anonymous press. Good luck [unidentified]. We won’t even publish your photo.

Reference Style Council

Published on March 13, 2010 in album, legislation and unruly mob. 1 Comment

Ironic that someone else wanted to Start The Weekend in Style but with Glass Rock. Now that the satyrs have left, it has indeed gotten mellow round these parts. Enjoy.

Set Your Weekend Off Right

Published on March 13, 2010 in unfrontable. 0 Comments

Seriously.