Archive for the 'wasted' Category
Dear Metal Expert:
First I was exhausted waiting for the cross town bus. Then I got a coffee. It made me feel aggressive. I realized I’ve become so sick of waiting for a new Glass Rock album. All these shirtless pics are killer but might lead me to more conclusions about the artistry of the group should I have a new platter on which to munch. Can you offer any guidance? And what to do when I feel exhausted and aggressive?
Sincerely,
Kenny Powers
Dear Kenny:
I listen daily to Glass Rock II: Redefining Popular Music. All your salivating will be rewarded. This might be the finest album since Judas Priest’s Painkiller. In the meantime do daily breathing exercises to expand your 24 octave vocal range and drink tea with lemon and honey. It is awesome shit. As far as exhaustion and aggression, you most likely want to take that out on the people around you and not Glass Rock.
Sincerely,
Metal Expert
Tonight’s the NightFeeling that ghost-written posts misrepresented him, political-rock correspondent Elwin Thrasher [not to be confused with anyone in real life -ed, Glass Rock Life Lawyer] has left Glass Rock Life. Following his resignation, Mr. Thrasher heard this song in his head:
then fell off his skateboard and died.
Glass Rock Podium
Under the guidance of Bretharian Dr. David Jubb and with the encouragement of gala-event rocker pal Steve Tyler, Glass Rock’s Aaron Mullan has embarked on a series of dates to warn high school children about the perils of drug and alcohol abuse. At North Farmington High School in Farmington Hills, MI on Tuesday, the principal calmed a horny generation with no standards of decency as well as poor research methods by shouting into the microphone, “Mr. Mullan will not sign records until he has warned us about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. So be quiet. And no, Michael Rother is not here today.” The gymnasium floorboards creaked in eerie silence as Aaron dropped major science, discussing concepts such as decreased reaction time to external stimuli when using mind altering drugs, which he had to allow students a few extra minutes to comprehend. Then with a nod from Dr. Jubb, Aaron opened up the floor to Q & A. Here are some highlights -
Student1: I am a huge fan of Glass Rock. But my parents think I’m using drugs.
Aaron: Yeah I think you’re on the paranoia trip there, bro. That’s the downside of the doob. That’s why I stick to the hooch. With the cheeb you act like a weirdo but are convinced everyone thinks you’re an asshole. With the corn you act like an asshole but don’t realize it until the next day. Guilt is more my kind of vibe than paranoia. Personally, I don’t try to keep my mind sharp. I just try to not use it for mundane crap, like which drawer my socks are in or who I’m supposed to call or how to play guitar. Instead I’m into reading Herodotus cracking up at stuff like how the Egyptians are exactly the reverse of everyone else on the planet: Men carry burdens on their heads, women on their shoulders. Women pass water standing, men sitting. They ease their bowels indoors, and eat out of doors in the streets, explaining that things unseemly but necessary should be done alone in private, things not unseemly should be done openly.
Paranoia is not Aaron's Bag
Student2: I ate in the parking lot at lunch.
Aaron: There’s only one cause for depression, and only one cure, and they are the same. The “destroyer of delights, the separator of societies, he who makes orphans of sons and daughters.” Put that in your bong and rip it.
Following this question, handler Dr. Jubb shut down the assembly and magically signed over 3900 Glass Rock LPs on Aaron’s behalf with a flick of the wrist and made the prinicpal levitate. The assistant principal lovingly caught him before he fell to the gymnasium’s make shift stage. Interested in having a Glass Rock Role Model speak at your town’s high school? Please contact us at glassrocklife@gmail.com and check back for the rest of Aaron’s tour dates. Thank you!
As GnR fans kill time while waiting for Glass Rock II: Heating Up the Commercial Climate, there are suggestions that some afficionados are going too far.
To [fan name withheld], the follow statement has been issued by Matt Kantor, Bass - “I am deeply honored by you putting my visage on your skin for the rest of your life. But what if I fuck up, let you down, no longer have the look of an uncharacteristically serious, lean and mean labrador retriever? Ironically it’s that very pressure to not fuck up that will lead me to letting you down. I am weak. Here’s to sloth and jazz fusion.” -Matt
Despite what seems like a clear official statement, rumors circulate that Matt tattooed himself on himself to inspire himself to be the best self he could possibly be. When probed with questions about the rumor, he retorted, “Oh rest assured that tattoo would be in the palm of my hand so I could love myself even more than I already do. What I am saying is that I could give myself a virtual lip-____ing of myself whenever I wanted while simultaneously receiving a virtual lip-____ing of myself whenever I wanted. I have to go now.”
When will new Glass Rock music arrive? Madness must end. But until Kathy Leisen is replaced, it’s not going to happen. Keep sending resumes and coat tail sizes to glassrocklife@gmail.com.
Krautrock session player Aaron Mullan has responded to allegations that he stole $2 million dollars cash from a sleeping Dave Miez (ne Mies) in the back of a cab. The money was EP!’s unprecedented $2 million advance for the recording of Glass Rock II: The Lifting of the Shirt. Planning to come in way under budget and then go diamond, Glass Rock is now completely fucked. Miez has stepped down as shop steward, Kathy Leisen is repeatedly gargling with acrylic paint and water, and Rynnn is holed up in a room, sending a character actor out to make his appearances. Matt still waits unshaven for Tall Firs to ask him to sit in on “Hairdo” but in the meantime, has taken action to keep the project together. First though, what did Mullan have to say?
Aaron: Tartar sauce is for shrimp-eaters. A small amount of lemon and some horseradish for oysters. What kind of pervert puts catsup on an oyster?
P.S. Anyone who likes esoteric oysters and Islay single malt Scotch should come by Grand Central this month. I’m buying.
Wow! Despite what the ‘rest of us’ sense as an arrogant confession above, Mullan has stated nothing incriminating. Tacit! Brilliant! But before all that legal mumbo jumbo comes to pass, Glass Rock bassist Matt won’t let the ship go down just yet. In order to keep Glass Rock II in the black, he is selling some of his most prized LPs and asked us to please publish the list.
Sananta Amigos $700,000
Blondie Parallel Lines $725,000
Concert for Bangledash (4 LP) set $1,000,000
Dave Mason It’s Like You Never Left $425,000
The Eleventh Hour with Larry Coryell Introducing $425,000
The Police Ghost in the Machine $415,000
Any interested buyers are asked to please contact Matt through Glass Rock Life. “We cannot let the actions of one destroy the fucking of all.” (citation needed). Man, let’s relax with some classic Melville v Osbourne below.
Hanging on the telephone, waiting to get The [Bass] Call from Tall Firs, skipped town
what was wrong with this band?
don’t you understand being a Family Man?
some people from Annapolis have Major families
nice shout out from USA Today today (a serious thank you); and it’s true that Easter Egg down there is nice!
[Major misinterpretation?]
Soft Location love Tall Firs. And it’s special having a new survival machine to carry on the legacy. Thanks sister/brother.
Rock on Lone Wolf and Axemans
Way to fuck up Dave
Back in business round here. First off, we have an exciting new Science and Psychology feature with the wholly unaccredited Aaron Mullan, sound engineer for Sonic Youth, bass player in a band yet to be named, and Man of a Thousand Ambiguous Facial Expressions. That’s Aaron over there <, psyching out Dave Mies of Glass Rock into dissonance when he had in fact been nailin’ it with the taste of a grieving Eric Clapton.
To begin with, we asked Aaron to provide some dream interpretation for an unnamed member of Glass Rock who is so interesting that [he] tells people about [his] dreams. Let’s check it out. To stay within APA guidelines, we are reprinting the entire analytic process. Glass Rock believes in transparency when concerns independent non stop post balls psychoanalytical jumbalayah. Peace and love.
Glass Rock: So, did I have too much to dream last night! I was in a bed with Eddie Murphy and William F. Buckley Jr.? What does this mean? (We were just talking).
Aaron: I need more info to analyze this.
GR: I was in the middle.
A: Your lack of details is making me think this is not a real dream.
GR: Man I wish I could remember more. It really happened. [My significant other] can verify that I groggily stated it.
A: Hmmn, can you free associate about each of them?
GR: WFBJ–conservative, thought of as eloquent but rather, long winded, deceased
EM–funny, probably gay [-a-& b-], nice leather suits
A: Oh this is easy. Dreams are the subconscious’ (is that how you make that word possessive?) presentations of wish-fulfillment fantasies. In this case your subconscious is expressing your desire to be accepted by and have some amount of familiarity/intimacy with men across a wide spectrum. If it’s the leather-suit era Eddie Murphy I would say he represents a young man at the peak of his potency. All males want to be associated with the virile and lauded, with the hopes that the harem attracted by these males may contain some spare available females. Eddie Murphy being ‘probably gay’ speaks to the unquantifiable (incalculable?) nature of his sexual power (and the increased likelihood of bonus females). Buckley represents a man of your grandfather’s generation. You may disagree with Buckley on some things, but he is widely respected and you still look for his approval. So your subconscious is expressing your desire for respect within the established social power structure plus your simultaneous and contradictory desire to upend the current mating hierarchy (which is really what the social power structure is).
Aaron and the townspeople check out a disturbance.
GR: Can I send you all my dreams? Eeriely, your analysis seems spot-on as far as conscious, related/similar (internal) struggles which i am aware of . . . I think I’m about to have a nervous breakdown, my head really hurts, the cognitive dissonance between “Eddie Murphy” and “William F Buckley Jr” is hard to take.
A: This seems like the absolute most normal and basic aspect of being a male human. I wouldn’t worry about it.
GR: Thanks Aaron.
Thanks also to our friends who came to check us out in Brooklyn last night. We are grateful for the warm campfire vibe and hope you felt it as well. As we work over North America -a&b- we visit Detroit on 4/17 minus Freud and the more shallow members of the group look forward to seeing you. Have a nice weekend getting wasted again.
